I had a date today with a girl. I'll call her "Jade", because some information about her that I'm about to disclose may be things that should wouldn't want someone saying about her on the internet. But I need to tell those details so I can be honest with all of you, and myself. I met "Jade" on Gaiaonline. That would be perfectly okay, except that I added her after searching "cyber" on their search bar and clicking on her profile when it came up. I admit, that's not exactly the best way to meet a potential girlfriend. Her profile stated that she was into incredibly kinky roleplays with both sexes. I won't elaborate on any of the roleplays that she was looking for, but a lot of them are bizarre or involve very taboo sexual actions. But that didn't deter me. "She sounds exactly like the type that will give me a great cyber session", I thought to myself. At least she was stringing together sentences with fluency. And at least she was expressing her sexuality. Women that are afraid to express theirs scare me. (that's what the internet is for!)
So I signed off Gaia that night, and didn't even think about her. But the next time that I got on, she messaged me. She told me that she had a friend that lived in my town, and that she lived 20 minutes away. She said that she maybe wanted to hang out with me. I was tepid about it, not knowing her that well, and really not being certain if I wanted to go through the trouble. And the next thing I know, after my lukewarm response to her hangout proposal, my Gaia inbox is filled with seeing her naked. So then I was impressed and horny, we started texting, blah blah blah, one thing led to another, she invited me over, she started calling it a date, and then it just went down. But as you can obviously see from the information I just told you, going on a date with this girl was a stupid idea. It's nothing against "Jade" at all. Despite her love for kinky sex, she is a sweet and good natured person. But you know what went on the whole time I was with her tonight. The strange part was, she made the first move on me.
And when I really think about that, that really puts me in a bad position. She must really like me, if she went through the trouble of arranging a date with me and then decided to 'please' me on top of it. She has said a few times that she "loves me". That puts me in an even worse position. She's going to get upset if I say that I don't want to date her, now that I met her and fooled around with her. She expresses love through sex! I was sexual with her. She probably thinks I love her. Even though I'm still trying to get to know her. Maybe I would like her if she would give me that chance to learn more about her. But I'm not sure if I will ever love someone that loves me at this point. If my male parts, pretty face, and witty text messages are the reasons why she likes me, then I know it's not going to last. The love feels good, because I do get lonely. But she "loves" me for a bad reason. That, or she just throws that word around.. both are possible dealbreakers.
But yet, here I am, still at least trying to go through with this. I probably won't date "Jade"....but stranger things have happened. I am apprehensive about backing off fast when I decide to. I really don't want to hurt someone. Even if her actions were a little misguided, just by hanging out with her for a few hours, I can tell that she is a pretty good person. She's just odd. And because she is odd, she's lonely. I can understand lonely.
Wow, this is so fucked.
I should run... but I should probably stop staying up until 6 am too. I dunno.