I find that I'm extremely bad at appreciating what I have. Because of that, I have no idea why people want to be so close to me. I mean, isn't it a bit ungrateful of me that I'm always wanting more? Last year, I didn't want friends. Now I have friends, but they're only my friends from high school. I want new friends. I want love. I want it all. Yet, when I get it all, I always find myself wanting ever more. What is the best way to appreciate what you have? I've probably asked this before, but I've yet to find a decent way to do it. I feel that my obsession with having more and more is destroying my chances at happiness. Please help me out.

For a long time, my purpose in life was to find love. I always thought that my life would be complete when I found someone to keep forever. But then, reality set in. The relationship failures mounted. It really started to affect my mental health. So I decided to not focus as much on love. I have no control over what happens in love, and I understand some things now that I once didn't understand. I'm different. I'm unique. I'm intelligent. And a lot of people are going to hold it against me. Especially the female collective. Mediocre women go for mediocre men. I'll use apples in a metaphor once again: it is much easier to pick up the bad apples that are on the ground that to climb higher in the tree for the good ones.

So now that I've established that I'll probably be alone for years, or even the rest of my life (and I can rationally accept it), I'll tell you that my new purpose in life is to criticize the world. Why? Because I'm one of the few people with the intellect to do so. Someone has to do it. Why can't it be me? I do get plenty of satisfaction from it. I love pointing out how screwed up everything is. And almost everything is screwed up.

So, if I'm going to post that picture, I better follow it up with something intelligent. I don't want you guys thinking I'm a budding porn star. Normally, I take my blogging pretty seriously.

So let's talk about sexuality, now that I've proved that I'm comfortable in my own skin. I hate the labels of sexuality. They cause a lot of trouble. If sexuality was measured on a continuum, you would probably find that few people have the exact same "sexuality score". Therefore, it is pretty easy to realize that the labels that society  chose "gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, and asexual" - are arbitrary. The worst part about that sort of tautology is the fact that it seems to exacerbate group behavior. "Straight pride". "Gay pride". "Bi pride". We could look at various statements like that, and how nebulous they are - and how people could easily justify their actions in the name of it (and I'm not saying that all social movements are bad, I'm not ignorant). Even worse is the fact that the groups do not fit anyone. There's no group for "has frequent heterosexual attractions and occasional homosexual interactions". Why does "bisexual" not fit? Because bisexual means that you have an equal frequency of attractions with both sexes. Very rarely have I seen the word "preference" instead, which then includes the "in-between" description under bisexual.

Honestly, the example that I used (frequent heterosexual attractions and occasional homosexual attractions) fits  me fairly. Except I admit that most of the attractions are from my lonely, curious, 14 year old days, and so the vast majority were e-crushes. Shit, I'm taking my clothes off and then basically admitting to 'bisexuality'. Am I the male Tila Tequila yet?

The more I think about it, the more that I think that Gen Y got the shaft when it comes to dating. I mean, our parents' generation had drive in movies, "make out point", and old school dances to enjoy. What do we have? Text message conversations, surreptitious meetings behind the backs of important people in our lives, and internet cafes? Plus the aforementioned bars and clubs? Anyway, part 2 talks more about the bullshit aspects of relationship more often than the constructs of dating. Here is why, after further deliberation, dating still sucks.

4) Dating is another classic case of a few bad apples making the whole peck of Gala apples (name another good apple besides Gala and Fuji, I'll wait) into a peck of nasty, worm-infested, Red Delicious apples. And you know how Red Delicious are - not that sweet, artificial, and usually not even worth your time or money. Now that I've put Red Delicious in its place, let me get to my point: everyone out there is corrupted by a shitty ex. Because you know, girl X would have been a great girlfriend, but her last boyfriend abused her and now she thinks I'll abuse her even though I call her beautiful every fucking day, never yell at her, buy things for her, kiss her for no reason, and truly open up to her. Same with girl Y, who stopped "talking" with me when another guy asked her out, because her low self-esteem convinced her that she would "screw up" things with me. So she decided that despite her undying love for me that a different guy would somehow be better for her.

I'll be a bit careful with my observations, though. I know that some people have been really abused by significant others, and that is a truly horrifying spectacle. I think any guy that needs to abuse his love in order to be happy needs to take one for the team and let me push him into some rush hour traffic. He doesn't have to die! He just needs to learn his lesson. But, no matter what you have gone through, relationships have to be a fresh start. You need to give a person a fair chance, and not assume that they will treat you undesirably.

5) The "power" principle. So, okay, let me get this straight. If a guy talks to his female best friend, he's automatically dating her, fucking her, having a threesome with her and her best friend, and has always been secretly in love with her. But if a girl makes eyes with a guy, and I say anything, I'm a jealous bastard with anger problems. Wait, there's more, guys use this same principle in their favor! A bisexual girl that is talking (and not "talking") with another girl is automatically thinking about 'jumping ship', but he can talk all he wants to a really attractive girl that openly admits attraction to him. By stretching monogamy into a way to control your significant, the whole concept of monogamy is fucked over. Somehow, monogamy became less about loyalty, and more about power. Personally, I would be open to an open relationship, being a "swinger", or even being polyamorous. As long as the love is there somewhere, it doesn't matter what the setup is. I don't give a fuck about sex...

6) And that leads to my next point. The "e-dating revolution" has totally screwed up the finely tuned dynamics of sexual 'pacing', I'll call it. What I mean by 'pacing' is how quick everything goes. How late or early that lovers end up being sexual with each other. While there is no consensus on a perfect "right time" that applies to everyone, all relationships truly do have an ideal time to start sexual interaction. A breach of the rule often ends up hurting the relationship, possibly even exterminating it altogether. It used to start with kissing, heavy petting, sex, and oral either before sex or after sex. But now, with the internet fueling dating and relationships, it usually has this sort of progression: e-flirting, picture exchange, shirtless picture exchange, cyber sex, nude picture exchange, cam to cam, phone sex (which is now WAY easier in the day in age of cell phone), and then kissing, petting, etc. Except all the aforementioned internet foreplay gets us all so horny that we usually 'give it up' way faster. And sex the second or third time seeing someone destroys a relationship. I've done it enough times to know that the sex will become the focal point of the relationship. And then you end up like me, with at least five fuck buddies, but nobody to cuddle with.

Even though I'm happier now, I still don't make any sense. I say I'm over Kristin, but when I read her myspace survey and how every answer related to sex with her fucking boyfriend, I almost threw my laptop. I say that I want to have adult responsibilities, but I cut school on Thursday for no reason, and Friday, I cut work for the same reason! I sit here and preach self-discipline, but it is hard for me to study rather than party yet another night. Not that I don't know the material for this exam. I still don't make any fucking sense, but, I'm sure lots of other people don't make any sense either.