If you've been reading my previous posts, you would know about my relationship with Lisa. It sort of came out of nowhere, and my blog kind of reflects that. One day, a poem appeared that was about her, and that was the first sign of me ever showing that I liked her. And of course, in that poem, I didn't explicitly say that it was written for her. I think I want to share the story of how I met her. I think it's very inspirational, and it might even change your perspective a little bit.

 

It was a normal weekend in February, and I was hanging out with Dillon and Grace. Grace and I have been friends for a while, but I've never gone with her to the "alternative religious" festival that she talked about in conversation. What she really meant was a pagan convention held at hotel. It was called CON, I'm sure some Michigander here will know about it. It was kind of a boring night at first. Dillon and Grace danced with each other, while I sat on the sidelines. I'm not much of a dancer, and I wasn't about to socialize with people that I didn't know. Grace panicked at one point, because she thought that I wasn't having fun. She was starting to think that taking me there was a bad idea, and that I would have rather been at home. I told her that I was having a good time, which was the truth, although it was nothing mind blowing. Dillon and I didn't even have passes to go to the rituals, so the common areas and drum circle were the only areas we were allowed to go. So there was only so much fun to be had. Grace told me to be more social. I told her "Grace, it's fine. It's just not how I am. I don't throw myself at people. If people want to talk to me, they will, but I'm really not sure if anyone here is going to want to talk to me. Either way, it's fine, that's why we went together." Anyway, not longer after, I asked if we could attend a party in one of the hotel rooms. Grace was telling me earlier about how people were doing that, and how there was a 21+ party set up. Grace got me and Dillon into that, even though neither of us are 21. The room was packed full of people, and we could barely find a seat. For whatever reason, Dillon and Grace decided to go off together. They're dating each other currently, but at that time, they were in the 'secret relationship' phase of dating and were probably going off to be alone. And that's when Lisa sat down next to me. It's still a really surreal experience. She greeted me. Somehow, we really hit it off. We started talking about each other's backgrounds, which were completely different. Lisa was a Seventh-day Adventist that abandoned, and I'm a militant atheist. I think I may have said that to her when I met her, though of course she knew I was kidding about part of that statement. We started talking about school, and it was clear that she really had passion about learning. She got a 4.0 through college, she told me. She's not lying about that, and she works so hard to get it. It was clear from the beginning. She asked me about my night, and whether I was okay. She knew I felt a little bit lonely at that moment. I continued to ask her questions about herself, and I asked for her number. She wrote it on the back of the name tag I was wearing that night. She even found someone with a writing utensil, just to do that, because my phone was dead and so was hers. During that whole incident, some other girl walked up to me and asked for my name, and said that she "thought she know me", based on the type of conversation I was having with Lisa. Already, Lisa was bringing out the best qualities. Nobody ever approaches me like that. Yet I barely noticed the other girl, as I was so focused on hearing what Lisa had to say. Lisa invited me back to her room, where she was with her friends. I know that group of friends a lot better now, because Lisa and I continued to grow together. You know, she told me that she first started talking to me because she thought I was gay, and she gets along with gay men really well. I guess she picked the right guy for that, because I'm one of the few people that won't even be slightly offended by that. I blame my H & M outfits for her saying that in the first place. 

 

I'm not sure if anyone gets why this is so significant. I found love in the most unexpected place, and when I wasn't looking. I met her at a meeting ground for a supernaturalist tradition, when I'm a staunch rationalist. Or, in layman's terms, not many atheists meet their girlfriend at an alternative religious festival. Especially not one that's really wear that on their sleeve. I have to say that it's beautifully serendipitous, and an incredibly unlikely twist in my life. However, In the grand scheme of things, that's a pitifully small detail. The true value of this situation is my restored faith in love, and a new found passion for life. Tomorrow, couldn't you meet someone that could change your life? Nobody ever remembers that it's a possibility, because of how infrequently it happens, but it truly can happen. I can't get over the what-ifs of the situation. What if I never went to CON? Had I not known Grace, I would have never been at that festival. What if I just let Dillon and Grace dance, and we all left later that night without me ever meeting Lisa? What if we showed up that party ten minutes later? Lisa probably would have left already. Most importantly, where would I be now? Cynical about love, lonely, and blaming myself for everything... that, or fucking everything that moves. I won't dwell on it. I was just in the right place at the right time, and it ended up working out. I won't question it too much. As much as I love her, it's not always easy. She's six years my senior, lives over an hour away, and is very busy. It's hard to see her all the time, and we have conflicts like any other couple. But I can just tell that she truly loves me. She's been on a trip to New Orleans, and she sent me an email every night she was gone, even though her shitty cell provider made it impossible for her to call me. We talked over Skype a few times, and I could just tell that she missed me. I truly believe her when she says that.

Actually, I love life. Lisa and I are really happy together. She's in New Orleans for a few weeks. I really hope she has a great time... even if she ends up making out with random strangers like she said she would. With parties going until 5 am and lots of alcohol, I can actually understand if it ends up happening. I'll love her regardless, but I actually think she won't do it. She loves having fun, but at the same time, I know what I mean to her. I don't want to give off the wrong impression of her.. she treats me incredibly well. It's really weird not hearing from her.

Also, I need to find a job, starting Monday. I can't sit around the house all summer. I have a little bit of money left over from the school year, but it'll only last another month tops. And I need to use some of that money to drive around and look for a job. I'm going to really have to search this time. It's time that I start making myself some pot money. =P

Brittany, if you're reading this, text me. I really want to be your friend still. I know it'll be hard for you to do, but if you really want to make me happy, that would be the best way to do it. I'll never forget how you were there for me in my time of need. You never stopped believing in me, even when everyone else did.

 

 

It felt good. I'd honestly rather update a blog that few people read, than continue to deal with a site that's nothing but bitching and drama. Hopefully I'll find some better things to update about. I won't be talking too much about girls on here anymore, because I've decided that I'm seriously not going to look for anyone. I'm fine being on my own and pursuing my studies. It's not like I don't have friends.

Just so you all know, I don't say that I'm hot and intelligent on my blog to be ironic, I actually believe that. Call it arrogant, but I call it truthful. I am objectively smart! I have gotten all A's for years. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I know everything. But I will tell you that I am smarter than the average person. If I were to sit here and tell you that I wasn't smart, you would call me a liar. If I were to sit here and tell you that I wasn't good looking, you would probably call me blind.

See, the fact of the matter is, I can't please all of you. I know someone of you want me to be humble. And I understand the importance of humility. There is a time and a place. But at the same time, I like myself, and I'm going to act as if I do like myself. Plus, I put a lot of hard work into being good looking and smart. It wasn't just like I woke up one day with those attributes.

You can call me conceited, but I'll just call you a hater.
Lol.

Lately, I have been really overcoming my long history of psychopathology. Which means no more anger, and way less depression and anxiety. And most of the time, I am managing this. I haven't had a blow up in front of my friends in a long time. And I have no problems with emotions at school, to the point that I am actually making friends. More often than not, I'm not doing anything maladaptive.

But at home? My mom brings up my speeding ticket that I got two months ago. The one that is already paid off. The incident is already done with. But my mom has to show my letter from the state, and once again, criticizing me for speeding. "You shouldn't have been going so fast, now the insurance is going to go up", she tells me. "Well, maybe I wouldn't have been speeding if you were a better communicator."

"Why are you blaming me for your speeding ticket?"

And that is where I blew up on her. Because I'm not going to deal with that shit. I'm not accusing her at all. She knows why I was speeding. I was speeding because I wanted to go to Ohio as fast as possible to see Tara, and because I told my mom I was just at my friend's house for the weekend, the sooner I got there, the better. That may sound weird, but you don't know my mom. If she somehow finds out I'm on my way there, I'm turning the car around. But once I'm there, I'm there. And then allowed to go there whenever, since I went there and come back in one piece.

But she knows that I don't blame people. I have talked about the downsides of blaming before on this blog. I don't blame her for the speeding ticket, nor do I blame myself. Couldn't the situation be to blame? I am pretty level headed, but it was the longest car trip of my life, and I've always hated how my dad would drive 10 under all the way "up north". What about my driver's ed instructor? I'm not implying that they taught me to speed in driver's training, because that is obviously not true. But at the same, the in-class instructor admitted that he likes to go 9 over on the surface streets because you "make all the lights". Hmmm... 9 over on a surface street. Well, with everyone going fast on the free way and less enforcement, can't I interpret that 15 over on the freeway isn't that bad? You get the point. You can say that it's my fault, or my mom's fault, or the situation's fault, or society's fault, but you don't really know!

And here is the real kicker.... blame really serves no purpose. It makes nobody feel better, except for the one who blames others, and their cathartic actions end up exacerbating the problem by adding even more biochemically charged emotions. The self-blamer is partially poisonous, as it often centers around extreme anxiety. So why do people blame? Because they were blamed so many times when they were growing up by parents who were blamed for everything, etc., and now we want our turn. Once again, tradition. I know the warm familiarity of tradition makes it appetizing, but I promise all of you that rationality is the better choice here.

Communicate, and don't blame. When my parents learn that, maybe I'll actually care about them again.