I had a date today with a girl. I'll call her "Jade", because some information about her that I'm about to disclose may be things that should wouldn't want someone saying about her on the internet. But I need to tell those details so I can be honest with all of you, and myself. I met "Jade" on Gaiaonline. That would be perfectly okay, except that I added her after searching "cyber" on their search bar and clicking on her profile when it came up. I admit, that's not exactly the best way to meet a potential girlfriend. Her profile stated that she was into incredibly kinky roleplays with both sexes. I won't elaborate on any of the roleplays that she was looking for, but a lot of them are bizarre or involve very taboo sexual actions. But that didn't deter me. "She sounds exactly like the type that will give me a great cyber session", I thought to myself. At least she was stringing together sentences with fluency. And at least she was expressing her sexuality. Women that are afraid to express theirs scare me. (that's what the internet is for!)

So I signed off Gaia that night, and didn't even think about her. But the next time that I got on, she messaged me. She told me that she had a friend that lived in my town, and that she lived 20 minutes away. She said that she maybe wanted to hang out with me. I was tepid about it, not knowing her that well, and really not being certain if I wanted to go through the trouble. And the next thing I know, after my lukewarm response to her hangout proposal, my Gaia inbox is filled with seeing her naked. So then I was impressed and horny, we started texting, blah blah blah, one thing led to another, she invited me over, she started calling it a date, and then it just went down. But as you can obviously see from the information I just told you, going on a date with this girl was a stupid idea. It's nothing against "Jade" at all. Despite her love for kinky sex, she is a sweet and good natured person. But you know what went on the whole time I was with her tonight. The strange part was, she made the first move on me.

And when I really think about that, that really puts me in a bad position. She must really like me, if she went through the trouble of arranging a date with me and then decided to 'please' me on top of it. She has said a few times that she "loves me". That puts me in an even worse position. She's going to get upset if I say that I don't want to date her, now that I met her and fooled around with her. She expresses love through sex! I was sexual with her. She probably thinks I love her. Even though I'm still trying to get to know her. Maybe I would like her if she would give me that chance to learn more about her. But I'm not sure if I will ever love someone that loves me at this point. If my male parts, pretty face, and witty text messages are the reasons why she likes me, then I know it's not going to last. The love feels good, because I do get lonely. But she "loves" me for a bad reason. That, or she just throws that word around.. both are possible dealbreakers.


But yet, here I am, still at least trying to go through with this. I probably won't date "Jade"....but stranger things have happened. I am apprehensive about backing off fast when I decide to. I really don't want to hurt someone. Even if her actions were a little misguided, just by hanging out with her for a few hours, I can tell that she is a pretty good person. She's just odd. And because she is odd, she's lonely. I can understand lonely.

Wow, this is so fucked.
I should run... but I should probably stop staying up until 6 am too. I dunno.

This is sort of elaborates on my pulse. Basically, I made two friends last semester, and neither of them are being very good friends at the moment One was Nikki. she sat near me in my SOC2000 course. We would talk on the way to the parking lot, sometimes on facebook chat, and always in class. Of course, the semester ended, and we have different schedules on campus. Fair enough. But, I posted something on her facebook wall, just seeing how the new semester is going with her. No answer, despite a few other posts to people right after that. I hate when people do that shit. Don't ignore me. I was nice to you without even knowing you. Treat me a little better than that. As for the other friend, Kenya, I guess I sort of understand. She found out something realllllly embarrassing about me on accident, and she only goes onto campus two times a week and can't exactly hang out with me outside of it. On the other hand, she said that she hates when people stop being her friend after talking to her in a class. Well, since the new semester started, she hasn't contacted me. And she has my number, so she could easily text me.

Why do people act this way? I thought I had bad social skills, I guess not!

Sexting is the new thing that's the end of the fucking world. I bet the inventor of cybering is sitting at home right now, wishing his/her creation got as much publicity. Adults are bitching about it because they don't want the whole school to see their daughter or son naked. And now, I'm even seeing public service announcements that remind teenagers about that risk. I laughed pretty hard. You think they don't know that risk? You think teens don't know that the guy they're sexting with might not show it to his friend?

First of all, that notion is preposterous. We all know the risk, and most of us don't give a fuck because we'd probably like to see a few more of our classmates naked. And second of all, I'm pissed. Because, we finally find a path to sexual satisfaction that involves zero risk of pregnancy, STDs, or sexual disappointment, and it's wrong.

So maybe it's breaking child pornography if it happens between minors. That would be a big deal, except that we all break hundreds of virtual laws all the time. We download music on the internet, we go on sites that we're not old enough to go on yet, and we violate hundreds of copyrights by watching YouTube videos. But you see little outcry over that anymore. Small laws are okay to break, until some self-interested group points out the broken law to give the common man a reason to side with their stance. Doesn't that just tickle you?

For the record, I enjoy sexting, cybering, writing erotica, and good ol' real life fucking. And yeah, I do wave my cock around the internet, and I really don't care who the fuck sees. I could only imagine how much more logical it would be to live in a society where sex isn't viewed as such a bad, taboo thing unless it is between two heterosexual people in a monogamous relationship.

I've been complaining to myself about my view and comment drought. Maybe I haven't posted anything "commentable" lately. I love the attention, and the chance of meeting new friends, that comes with getting a lot of traffic on my blog.
But at the same time, it's not so bad to have few views and comments. This is the raw, real stuff that people read and remember and not comment. And I know that there are people that are still reading, and some of them may care about me just because they relate.

So, maybe you'll hear about more sexcapades, and long nights getting high, and weird references, and made up words. You'll undoubtedly see some quirkiness, but I think that's why everyone is reading my blog in the first place.


Or, maybe I'll write some more poetry and post it. That would give me a legitimate reason to plug my site.

I had a dream a few nights ago that is affecting me a little bit, even after a few nights. In the dream, I was CMU and it was a few years down the road in my college career. I was still very disliked, and I remember a few people outright telling me to my face that they didn't like me. At first, it didn't bother me, but after a while, it wore me down. There was only so much I could take. Then, I see myself in front of my parents, explaining to them my hatred of the school even after a few years. They blamed me, saying that I rub everyone the wrong way and that "I would make friends if I wasn't so fucking afraid of being social".

Then I woke up and realize that it could have easily been a reality had I not gotten out of that place. Try as I might, I've realized that I'll never be a university person. Make me live with everyone else, and they'll get sick of my quirks.